Existential Angst

My blog is to honor my father and children that have passed away as I search for meaning in their loss.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Thoughts on Life and Death

As I think about life and death, I become torn between many ideas that are hard for me to hold in my head at once. First is the Buddhist Truth of Impermanence, that all things manifest and stop manifesting and that this process is occurring all of the time. The next is the Hindu idea of Ultimate Consciousness and lastly is the Christian idea of a soul.

Impermanence helps me understand my children’s deaths. My boys died from Twin-to-Twin Transference Syndrome, a disease where they shared the blood supply from on placenta. This cause one of them to die of heart failure with too much blood and the other to die from a lack of blood. A year later my daughter died from a genetic disease. Impermanence tells me that for these children the conditions for them to manifest were not sufficient. Sort of like a match without enough sulfur to burn to start a flame. I wonder if my living son is one of the twins that could manifest or if he is some one new. Buddhism would say he isn’t the same and he isn’t different. Just like I am not my father, but a part of him lives in me.

So, do children that never grow up have an ego consciousness or are they purely Ultimate or Universal Consciousness? They didn’t have time even learn a language to have an internal dialog for ego consciousness to express itself. Yet, I know that through my eyes there is a “Watcher” that sees the universe and my ego talks to someone for whom is a “Listener” and they have been with me all of my life. I have changed a lot over the years but if I think deeply, I know that this universal consciousness is in me. Is there were my children, father and forefathers are? Do they watch through my eyes and hear me through my ego internal dialog?

Do I have a soul? I think so. In a Robert Pirsig sort of way, I believe the quality of the answer to be too low to say that there is nothing eternal about us. If we simply say that there is some force that seems to be beyond any one cell, organ or limb that makes us essentially who we are, that is close enough to a soul for me.

Here’s my logic problem, if we have an eternal soul in us but everything in this dimension is Impermanent then the soul can’t be in this dimension. If I’m attached to a soul that is eternal and it is in an eternal place, then a part of me is in an eternal place right now. So, when I die my soul doesn’t go anywhere because it is already there and therefore apart of me is already there. So, I am with my children, my father and all that live through me right now, but yet I can not experience them because my ego consciousness is in this dimension and it can not understand the eternal dimension.

I think all of these ideas belong together like some sort of physics universal theory but I can’t do the math to get them resolve each other. I sort of feel like these ideas are three windows all looking at the same thing each with different prospective on that “thing”. I’ll keep posting as I get new ideas.

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