Existential Angst

My blog is to honor my father and children that have passed away as I search for meaning in their loss.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Life Changing Dream

Wow, all I can say is that I don’t know how my brain could have come up with this one. I have been reflecting on the nature of dreams because I feel there is a connection between them and what happens when we die. I don’t know what that connection is exactly but if you read my posting on “If Dreams Predict the Future” and “Where do Dreams Come From”, it would be hard for me not to think there is a connection.

The dream that has sent me rethinking my life and what I’ve been doing (more importantly expecting) puts me right were I think I want to be with all of the people I thought I wanted to be with. So, I’m standing in a dorm room (because I loved my college experience) with all of my friends and even an ex-girl friend. I’m so happy to see them and I tell them all how loyal of a friend I am to them. One by one, each person tells me how little I matter to them. Each one points out how either they used me or I was over-exaggerating my connection with them. Even the ex-girlfriend calls in her new lover to show me how much I didn’t matter to her.

All of these people somehow are a voice in my head. Some of them have had me chasing an unattainable dream of what kind of person I wanted to be. The others set a bar for my self-worth that I couldn’t achieve. I wasn’t conscious of them but I know for sure that they have influenced the car I drive, the job I have, the activities I pursue and the dreams I set for myself. I can’t believe how much impact they have had.

The last part of the dream was a girl for whom I don’t remember. Even as each of the other people spoke I had initially over looked her presence in the room. She was trying to explain to me that I was a good person, that I was beautiful and that I was already good enough for her. I didn’t have to live up their standards (as she waved her hand at the other people). She couldn’t understand how I could be so foolish as to believe in them instead of myself. She was so right.

I don’t know if I have dreamed at all since that night. If this is the word of God, then she is a wonderful person. If it was my Anima (Carl Jung reference), then she has been heard. If this was just a random coincidence of thoughts and memories, then I am very lucky. I hope it was my Father or one of my children watching from a higher ground that thought they could help me. If so, I thank them and I hope to hear from them again very soon.