Existential Angst

My blog is to honor my father and children that have passed away as I search for meaning in their loss.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

The Flow of Life

The flow of life is a stream that comes to me and through me. Sometimes it pools up because the path from God to the world has a blockage within me. That blockage is my self reflection that has a mistaken belief. Currently that belief is that my personal history is what is leading my future. Even when I realize that this is a mistake, the blockage creates as barrier that logic can’t break.

Even thought the solution seems “as clear as the summer’s sun” [Shakespeare’s Henry V], acting on knowledge and just knowing something is profoundly different. Obviously changing my beliefs would remove the blockage. The problem is that the blockage has energy of its own. My history of grief has a “conservation of momentum” that can’t just be stopped. So the wake begins to push the slowing boat forward, toward the rocks, where the driver does not want to go.

It seems clear to me now that what must happen, what will happen, is that the boat must end up on the rocks. Once my current self image is destroyed then my personal history will not matter. I fear this “bottoming out” but it is what must happen. I have seen it in my dreams. I know that until I can love myself I can’t love my neighbor [Jesus, New Testament, check it out] and I can’t love myself as I am today. I’ll have to see what tomorrow brings.

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